For over 13 years i’ve been working with couples and individuals to help them with their relationships, self esteem, stress and other related issues. When i do relationship therapy, one of the most common things i hear from both men and women is that “they don’t understand each other.”

That’s because men and women communicate, think and behave in different ways. Their brains are wired differently, and helping men and women understand this will lead to better communication and relationships.

Lets start with the basics. Scientists believe that our species developed language about 250 thousand years ago. And that the reason why men and women talk and behave differently is because their brains evolved in different directions through daily use over these past quarter million years. Our brains haven’t really changed all that much.

Men were hunters and thought about ways to effectively stalk, kill and transport home the food for the family group or tribe. Men’s hunting required creativity, cleverness and physical endurance….And not much talking; just taking care of business. While the men were away, the women worked in groups for safety while gathering berries, nuts, and other plants for food and tools and took care of the children.

Women talked much of the time while doing their chores and improved their relationships within the group of women. At the end of the day when the family came together in the cave, hut or wherever, scientists speculate that there was probably not much discussion between men and women. What they probably talked about were a few shared interests like eating, food, security, what the kids were up to, sex and sleep.

Does this sound familiar? So here we are now… and generally speaking, when women talk to both men and women, much of the goal of their ”old brain” is to establish a good relationship to insure safety, protection and survival of themselves and future children.

When men talk, their “old brain” is striving for higher status and dominance over other males to have greater access to women for breeding rights and continued success in their ability to take care of the business of getting food and protecting their assets and the family. In the next clip i’ll be talking about specific differences between the way men and women communicate and think so maybe you can understand your partner better.

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To help couples with their communication and relationship issues we’re talking about how to understand the differences between the way men and women talk and think. As i mentioned in the previous clip, although our current life style is very different than how our ancestors lived millions of years ago, men and women still have the same “old part of the brain” and tend to maintain the old style of communication and thinking patterns. Scientists believe its because our brains haven’t had much time to evolve to fit today’s fast paced life style. You might compare it to the computer world, in other words, we are using out of date hardware and software to do a new job. Helping men and women with their relationship problems involves helping them understand the way each other thinks and communicates. Problems come up when we try to change our men or women to suit our needs and not accept eachother’s differences. Besides the obvious differences between a mans and woman’s body, their brains are different too. A man’s skull is generally thicker and stronger than a woman’s…so that saying that “men are thick-headed” is probably where that came from. In brain imaging technology, researchers have found that generally, men use a good deal of the left hemisphere of their brains when talking and listening. Now, women have four times as many brain cells connecting the right and left sides of the brain. That doesn’t necessarily mean that women are smarter…but that they have greater access to their right brain, which is about language and emotion. Women are obviously more verbal and emotional than men and are also able to focus on more than one problem at one time and can usually multi- task easier than men. Women are also usually more concerned about how problems are solved and how that affects their relationships. Men generally deal with problems as an opportunity to show their competence and strength. They are into assuming authority and taking care of problems in the most effective and direct way. Unlike women, men can set aside their feelings and focus on solving one problem at a time. Men feel closer in relationships is by feeling validated through shared activities whether they’re physical like sports, outdoor activities, sex, competition or analytic and mentally focused. Women feel closer and validated through communication, intimate sharing of experiences and personal information. Understanding all these differences can really help men and women more clearly interpret where their parners are coming from and keep them from taking things personally.

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In the previous segments, i told you about how the “old” part of men’s and women’s brains and hormones can affect how they solve problems and react to relationships differently. This goes way back to our ancestors millions of years ago. It’s no mystery that women’s hormones progestrone and estrogen tend to produce stronger emotional responses, while the testosterone in men tends to affect the aggessive and sexual response. Now, when it comes to memory, men can generally recall events using strategies that rely on reconstructing the experience in terms of tasks, activities or elements that took place. So, experiences that are associated with mental or physical competition or activities are also recalled easier for men. Generally speaking, women are usually able to remember things that have strong emotional components. Women also have a higher alarm response to danger than men. Some may call it “intuition.” so, with our focus on language and emotions, many times, men don’t understand why women always want to talk and talk and talk. On the other hand in many therapeutic sessions, i women tell me that they feel like they aren’t being listened to by guys. So, here’s some tips for both sexes to help understand eachother better: girls it may be important for you to understand that, generally speaking, men communicate to share information, not to create relationships. That’s why a conversation with a man might not always feel as satisfying as a conversation with a girlfriend. So the point is, when you’re trying to tell your man something, if you are really verbal, try to talk a bit less because many men are bottom line oriented and will be better listeners if you are more direct in your communication and get to the point quicker.

If you ask your man a question, realize that men are problem solvers and may try to jump in to help you resolve a problem, even though you know that all you are doing is letting off steam. Now for guys, it’s important for you to realize that, generally speaking, women communicate to establish relationships, so they’ll probably be more personal in what they talk about. Even if it feels difficult, it is important to listen to your lady when she gets chatty. It may also help in your relationship and communication with her if you try to move beyond short sentences or two word answers and make longer responses. This also means when you are texting or e-mailing. Women classically write much longer questions and responses to men. So guys, try to text back with more than…yes, no or that’s good. In the next clip, i’m going to help you understand how men and women’s speech patterns are different so you can communicate better.

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In this segment i’m going to help you understand the differences between men and women’s speech patterns. This will hopefully help you understand your partner better, take away some of the confusion about why your mate talks like he or she does, and therefore, improve your relationship.

Again, although this information is general, speech experts have found specific differences in the way men and women talk. Let’s start with eachother’s voices. Men generally speak in a louder voice than women and they use volume to emphasize points.

On the other hand, women usually use pitch and inflection to emphasize points. Like, “oh my god.” also, men generally use approximately 3 tones when they speak, which sounds more monotonous in speech. Women sound more emotional and use about 5 tones when talking.

Research also shows that guys interrupt others more and allow fewer interruptions than women do. When it comes to content of speech, men make more direct accusations when complaining, such as saying something like…..”you don’t call.”

Women on the other hand, make more indirect dramatic statements which can be interpreted as nagging and say, “why don’t you ever call?”  Women’s speech is also interpreted as being dramatic because we use more intensifiers such as, “really and so”..…etc.”

You’ll hear more women saying something like, “so, then i told her what happened,” or ” I’m really glad i told her”…guys will just say, “I told her.” along those same lines, men make more direct, declarative statements like “it’s a good day.” women will make more tentative statements and use “tag endings” or upward inflections which make statements sound like questions such as….”it’s a good day…isn’t it?” also, men use more interjections when changing topics.. Like ….”oh…hey…listen”… they might say something like,…”oh…i told him the story.” or “hey did you see that game?” women use more conjunctions when changing topics like….”and…. But …however”…. Which sounds like we’re talking more. Which leads me to the final point of different speech patterns between men and women. Guys generally ask fewer questions. Women will ask many more questions to stimulate conversations. Now remember all this information on the differences between the way men and women communicate is general, but is based on research of brain activity, hormones, thought processes and speech patterns…and understanding eachother better can definitely lead to better relationships.

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